Dear Blog…my journal about everything. Since January 30th 2014 I have been consumed with the hurt that comes with a separation of a relationship I thought was supposed to be forever. As our legal issues get closer to a close, I can’t help to but feel even sadder. Time certainly has past by, I am hesitant to even talk about my separation to anyone because it feels so old news. I feel at this point I am becoming a burden on others and I can sort of tell. Even when I reach out…at times specifically ask to talk I no longer have the few who used to respond.
Dependent? I suppose on others to help me feel better. I also need help snapping back into reality that this pain and hurt will end one day. I can’t remind myself all the time I need outside help. The more I reach, the more I feel rejected. This is not anyone doing this intentionally to me. I am incredibly sensitive and probably would feel rejection from my dogs these days.
High functioning, that I am. I have gotten up everyday since she left. Showered, work out, eating well, diabetes in total control, lost weight, back at full capacity at work, rode X Country on my F800 in May-June, lost my beagle Cruizer and have appeared to recover from that….I look tired at times but hear more than not “You look so good”.
Outward appearances can be so deceiving.
Loneliness can kill you. I am told I will meet that special person one day. My gut response is “NO WAY”. No way will I ever let anyone get that close to me. Am I tainted? Perhaps…cautious to say the least. Trust has been broken and I still do not even know why she left without trying to fix whatever was broken. I am aware of the imperfections but to not try? I am not sure I will ever get over that. Ego? I don’t think so. I think after spending 17 years together I deserve a little respect to hear the reasons, I deserve the opportunity to voice my hurt and despair to the one who has left. I am afforded no options, period. I have had to accept so many things that are out of my control and not expect this will change. Let go I am told…let it go there are so many good things that are in store for you in your future.
I find myself still at this point shaking my head asking when is this nightmare going to end? I don’t like my “new normal”. I don’t like all the actual work it takes to separate, never mind the emotional trip. I actually HATE this. I feel abnormal. I have said this in previous posts, I hear laughter, I hear people making plans, enjoying themselves and I get mad with envy. I feel heavy, weighted down. Unable to feel my own laughter. I feel fake, superficial and as though I am performing for others just so they can feel better about me feeling better. Make sense?
I sometimes hear that I might be making things worse for myself. Am I? My family has been so great, helping in ways I won’t even blog about but it’s hard to accept this help even from my own family. Friends? I have them…still figuring out what that means though. The internet has been priceless as well as text messages. Almost as though there is someone always there willing to send a quick TM to say they care. I know I have to care about me first and for most part I do. I am just really sad and at times that sadness and feeling lost contaminates everything. I am working on so many things at one time because life goes on. I wonder if anyone else who has gone through a major loss has ever felt overwhlemed just by life as you are trying to just get your feet back on the ground.
I don’t know anymore…I am living this…trying to get through it without feeling too sorry for myself. I know so many have it worse but for now this feels pretty bad to me. I guess there is the Ego…but I accept that. I accept being selfish. It’s my heart, my pain and my life. I can’t change how this has made me experience loss. I guess I need more patience, wait it out. Don’t expect everyone to come running to my aid and dig deep down to pull myself up. Perhaps that is why I am always tired. Pulling me up everyday is not an easy task. Until next time….well, I hope there is no next time and I can focus on Alaska Re-Visited 2015 SOLO. Thinking about my next BIG trip I can feel a twinge of excitement. Now to bottle that up! Thanks for listening. Leslie