Dear Blog…my journal about everything. Since January 30th 2014 I have been consumed with the hurt that comes with a separation of a relationship I thought was supposed to be forever. As our legal issues get closer to a close, I can’t help to but feel even sadder. Time certainly has past by, I am hesitant to even talk about my separation to anyone because it feels so old news. I feel at this point I am becoming a burden on others and I can sort of tell. Even when I reach out…at times specifically ask to talk I no longer have the few who used to respond.
Dependent? I suppose on others to help me feel better. I also need help snapping back into reality that this pain and hurt will end one day. I can’t remind myself all the time I need outside help. The more I reach, the more I feel rejected. This is not anyone doing this intentionally to me. I am incredibly sensitive and probably would feel rejection from my dogs these days.
High functioning, that I am. I have gotten up everyday since she left. Showered, work out, eating well, diabetes in total control, lost weight, back at full capacity at work, rode X Country on my F800 in May-June, lost my beagle Cruizer and have appeared to recover from that….I look tired at times but hear more than not “You look so good”.
Outward appearances can be so deceiving.
Loneliness can kill you. I am told I will meet that special person one day. My gut response is “NO WAY”. No way will I ever let anyone get that close to me. Am I tainted? Perhaps…cautious to say the least. Trust has been broken and I still do not even know why she left without trying to fix whatever was broken. I am aware of the imperfections but to not try? I am not sure I will ever get over that. Ego? I don’t think so. I think after spending 17 years together I deserve a little respect to hear the reasons, I deserve the opportunity to voice my hurt and despair to the one who has left. I am afforded no options, period. I have had to accept so many things that are out of my control and not expect this will change. Let go I am told…let it go there are so many good things that are in store for you in your future.
I find myself still at this point shaking my head asking when is this nightmare going to end? I don’t like my “new normal”. I don’t like all the actual work it takes to separate, never mind the emotional trip. I actually HATE this. I feel abnormal. I have said this in previous posts, I hear laughter, I hear people making plans, enjoying themselves and I get mad with envy. I feel heavy, weighted down. Unable to feel my own laughter. I feel fake, superficial and as though I am performing for others just so they can feel better about me feeling better. Make sense?
I sometimes hear that I might be making things worse for myself. Am I? My family has been so great, helping in ways I won’t even blog about but it’s hard to accept this help even from my own family. Friends? I have them…still figuring out what that means though. The internet has been priceless as well as text messages. Almost as though there is someone always there willing to send a quick TM to say they care. I know I have to care about me first and for most part I do. I am just really sad and at times that sadness and feeling lost contaminates everything. I am working on so many things at one time because life goes on. I wonder if anyone else who has gone through a major loss has ever felt overwhlemed just by life as you are trying to just get your feet back on the ground.
I don’t know anymore…I am living this…trying to get through it without feeling too sorry for myself. I know so many have it worse but for now this feels pretty bad to me. I guess there is the Ego…but I accept that. I accept being selfish. It’s my heart, my pain and my life. I can’t change how this has made me experience loss. I guess I need more patience, wait it out. Don’t expect everyone to come running to my aid and dig deep down to pull myself up. Perhaps that is why I am always tired. Pulling me up everyday is not an easy task. Until next time….well, I hope there is no next time and I can focus on Alaska Re-Visited 2015 SOLO. Thinking about my next BIG trip I can feel a twinge of excitement. Now to bottle that up! Thanks for listening. Leslie
30 thoughts on “It’s not getting any easier…”
I’m sorry for your suffering, I know how it feels and its not easy. It takes time and you ARE doing what needs to be done! You just need a little more patience, grasshopper! I found it helpful to plan regular, small, breaks away and not to revisit places I’d been before. Although my long term friends were right by my side, it was also useful to find new friends to do things with (just getting out on the bike is great for that!) Kinda making new memories with new people.
having issues with large groups and even just socializing. I am sure things will change but patience is not a virtue of mine
I hope that with each day it will get easier, tough to read the outpouring of your heart. Of course, even harder to live it. Thinkin bout ya, Leslie.
seems to make me feel better even though it’s public…thx
July 25, 2014
How to Love
January Gill O’Niel
After stepping into the world again,
there is that question of how to love,
how to bundle yourself against the frosted morning—
the crunch of icy grass underfoot, the scrape
of cold wipers along the windshield—
and convert time into distance.
What song to sing down an empty road
as you begin your morning commute?
And is there enough in you to see, really see,
the three wild turkeys crossing the street
with their featherless heads and stilt-like legs
in search of a morning meal? Nothing to do
but hunker down, wait for them to safely cross.
As they amble away, you wonder if they want
to be startled back into this world. Maybe you do, too,
waiting for all this to give way to love itself,
to look into the eyes of another and feel something—
the pleasure of a new lover in the unbroken night,
your wings folded around him, on the other side
of this ragged January, as if a long sleep has ended.
Copyright @ 2014 by January Gill O’Niel. Used with permission of the author.
About This Poem
“I should have called this poem, ‘How to Trust Again.’ How does one stay open and believe in love after a betrayal? It’s a meditation on hope, really. Also, any poem I can fit my name into is a good one.”
—January Gill O’Niel
January Gill O’Niel is the author of Underlife (CavanKerry Press, 2009). She is executive director of the Massachusetts Poetry Festival and teaches at Salem State University in Salem, Massachusetts.
Most Recent Book by O’Niel
(CavanKerry Press, 2009)
“Midwinter Day [Excerpt]” by Bernadette Mayer
“Verge” by Mark Doty
“Boston” by Aaron Smith
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Actually, I don’t have permission to send this, but couldn’t send the link.
it’s okay I won’t share it…it’s good though
I went through an incredibly painful break up in 2008, when my partner cheated on me and left me for her. I swore I would never let anyone in again, because I just couldn’t comprehend going through that kind of pain again.
When I met my current partner, we took things really slowly, became best friends and after about 2 years i finally let my guard down.
I never thought it would happen. I didn’t think I would be able to drag myself out of the depression i was in but over time it happened.
I’m so glad that I took the chance and trusted my heart with her.
Hang in there, it will get better for you. Take care.
2 years? Need a drug for patience 😉
I have no sage words to share, Leslie, but I do want to let you know that I care and am thinking about you. You seem to have so much good to offer. It’s palpable even to those of us who know you only through your heartfelt expressions here.
Eastern Shore of Maryland
thx and trust me this blog probably reveals too much about me lol
A drug for patience, would be wonderful.
Take care Leslie.
We’re all still here and thinking of you.
Looking forward to following your 2015 SOLO Alaska ride report on a bike that doesn’t break down. 😉
ah you remember the Triumph’s
Hi Leslie. I am just another of your many web followers. All I can offer is that it will get better. Sadly it isn’t really over until all the ink has dried and then you really can start moving forward. Someone is out there for you. Be patient and know that between your close friends and those of us on the very fringe of your world that you are not alone.
Awesome Players Off-Road MC
thx Riley from one web follower to another
I read and can feel the depth of sadness in you it’s palpable. I also think there might be more to the sadness and it’s easy for depression to sneak in at times of great tumult and loss. I appreciate people mean well when they say it takes time and it does, but I want you to know it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling and never feel bad for feeling the way you do. Loss where you don’t have answers particularly in the case of a relationship is the hardest to deal with, because you are left feeling less than whole and wondering all the why’s and what if’s, unfortunately sometimes there are no answers, and invariably it always leaves doubt and deep grief/sadness in it’s wake. It is also bloody soul wrenching and does destroy a persons ability to trust. When you are ready you will learn to trust another person again, it’s a slow process. There is no magic balm than I can give you other than know you have people pulling for you. I also write to get my feelings out and sometimes just seeing them on paper is healing in itself. I do think exploring your feelings possibly with a grief counsellor or counsellor might be a good next step in your healing process because I am worried you are slipping out of the sadness side to the depression side. I am being quite honest here and sometimes talking with a trained person can help you by giving coping strategies and coming to terms with what you are going through or at the very least deal with all of the emotion, because sometimes our hearts and minds just can’t processes this alone.
I have had counsellors none have worked so trying again. I’m a trained therapist and I hear what you are saying and I’m taking all precautions. You write so well I’m envious BtW and would love to meet for coffee
Anytime my dear, I don’t get off the island much. But I am here for a chat. I have talked with counsellors before over various issues and at points the counselling doesn’t seem like it’s doing anything, but I think it does, even if it just relieves the pressure points. For me it helps me focus a little more when I’ve talked to someone and it feels a little cathartic. I think when things are a little more ‘settled’ for lack of a better term, it will ease off, it’s just try to be patient. Sometimes too I think we have to stop looking for the fault as to why something went wrong in ourselves, as it wasn’t ours to begin with. Be gentle with yourself and look at how wonderful you are, you are inspiring, you’re brave and a good person. Hang in there lady!
Oh Leslie… you know I’m a say-it-how-it-is kind of person, so I’m just going to say what’s on my mind…
Please stop worrying about your friends, virtual or otherwise. The true ones will stick through it all with you. You need this time right now to get out your feelings, not bottle them in. Give yourself 17 months—you’re halfway there now—one month for each year of your relationship. I promise you, by then you’ll be feeling so much more in control of your life. Sure you will feel sad thinking back, even then, but that is a consequence of truly loving another person. What a terrible shame it would have been if you felt nothing at all—that would mean the past 17 years were a waste. Once enough time has passed, for every sad thought, there will be plenty of happy thoughts about the good times too—those are the memories to keep. Eventually just the good times will remain in your mind—human beings are good at blocking out pain in the long term.
Such a huge event in someone’s life uproots everything… it tests your friends, it tests your job, it tests *you*. I think you are doing the right thing by speaking out. No one else has gone through precisely what you are going through, but among your support group, there are people who have gone through similar bits and pieces—collectively we can all provide you with empathetic thoughts or advice to ponder. Not a magic switch to make the pain go away, but listening ears so you can be certain you are being heard and not going through it all alone.
I think the most important thing is to learn to love yourself again—put yourself number one, not go down a distracted route of ‘what ifs’. I can see that so many people from around the world take time out to read what you have to say, and many of these people have never met you. Yet they can all see the sparkle in you—and it is important that you begin to see it again as well.
My parents are 30 minutes away from you in Abbotsford—my dad loves bikes and my mum cooks some mean Greek food. If you’re ever out that way, pop in and say hi to them (I can email you their address). If nothing else it might make for a couple hours’ distraction, they can be quite entertaining!
parents would be tempting lol
Leslie, I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do…. I believe you have to “feel it” to get “through it”. It’s a process that is ugly but necessary. Although I don’t know you personally, I think of all that’s happened (what I know) and I just shake my head. WHAT THE HELL? Cruel is the only word that comes to mind… then I think, what goes around comes around – oh, do I sound angry?
In these moments of unpleasantries I try to turn my attention towards love and gratitude. It can be about anything you feel grateful to have in your life. Like, your home, your sight, trees in your yard, your motorcycle or whatever. Over time, focusing attention on things that are positive in your life will help you live more in the NOW. It’s a neat exercise that won’t solve everything but really works wonders. It will help you focus on things that really deserve your attention and keep you away from thoughts that only offer sadness and despair.
Hang in there…. you’ll see that in time things will get better.
yeah need to be more thankful about the great things I have versus what I have lost
Hey Leslie – things will get better guaranteed – just finished going through. If you ever feel like chatting drop me a text at 604-790-5802.
huh? really? had no idea…sorry!
So sorry you are feeling so sad. I hope that having the blog as a way of sharing your feelings helps a little bit. I agree that a drug for patience would be a wonderful addition to the world!
No sage advice except that you will deal with your feelings in your way, and your way only. I do hope you find some peace in gratitude.
me too but it’s getting harder doing it alone
Leslie i just finished reading everything all the responses theres alot of good advice and support i personally feel ur pain going thru it with michelle love trust and support from ur family and ur friends stay. close to them do not becomreclusiv. Opps i hit the u too many times tme. ill keep in contact with u barb and i are there for u u need a trip comde too us anytime i knw this is redodent but stay busy anexercise the the. .Strengthu have sofarellirexelu
family is far away but I hear you and thx
How are you doing Leslie?