April 30th 2015 (all pics in any of my posts can be clicked for HI REZ versions)
I feel like I am living the 2002 philosophical travel memoir by Neil Peart, Ghost Rider. I get why he kept going out for his rides.
Everyday the roads I travel are stunning and beautiful. Perfect for a bike or car. However, this day despite what I was seeing my drive felt labored. I knew at some point on this trip my head would give in to what I have left behind. As I get closer to taking my Beagles ashes back to his spot in Wyoming, Cruizer’s rock I call it, I seemed to be feeling quite emotional. Today he would have been 11.
It’s been awhile that I have even blogged about my own grief. Grief really is defined subjectively and for me there is no expiration when it comes to how I feel my last year and a half has gone or has meant to me. I am trying to look forward, I think I have done a lot of healing dealing with the sudden loss of my marriage, my sudden death of my Beagle, leaving a job I loved, selling my house and closing my life in Canada after 18 years with a bang by becoming a Canadian citizen.
Now? I feel a bit lost. I know what direction I am heading (EAST) but as for my life? Time will tell. I am a type A personality and trying desperately to embrace this “freedom” and “new” normal. Yet it’s hard for me because I do seem to like to have some security. What I have learned over the last year and a half is that I am NOT in control of everything. Life throws you curve balls that can’t be avoided but have to be dealt with head on. It’s tiring when so many things change all at once.
I own nothing really but clothes, my car and my bike. I don’t have a job yet and I a trying not to worry about that need for security. I write this in one of the most beautiful parts of the USA, Jackson, WY. I am about to drive through the Grand Teton National Park as I head over to Cody Wyoming. I am fortunate to have this space to myself. I am fortunate to be able to see this country in ways people dream about and yet? I feel sad. Get over it? Yeah I have heard that before. I loved BC, loved the friends I found who were right in front of my face while I was with Cheryl. Saying good-bye to them was hard. My house?
I worked so hard on the gardens and inside to make it my home and now I hear the new owners of decorated the outside with Medieval art. (I have nothing against Medieval tokens) just seems out-of-place.
I will honestly try and purge myself of the sadness I feel so when I arrive in New York I can start fresh. That is part of the reason I am out on the road yet again.
The scenery, the roads with no real tourists yet should be my focus. Embracing life versus focusing on the past. Cleansing of the soul and not trying to make sense why I have been dealt with so many unknowns and hurt. I still hurt. I still feel as though I have failed but that is just me. My own internal conflict and struggles. I am not looking for pity nor am I looking to be judged. I just blog away as to how I feel and this own therapy of mine seems to help me move forward. Grief? Yep…no finite way to define it. All I know grief invokes emotions I have never tapped into before I lost my wife, etc. Lost meaning she left me and I was dumped.
Have to get ready now…it’s actually May 1st…to head towards Cruizer’s memorial. Might be about 2 days away…so, weather through the Tetons is supposed to be good today. This weekend? Mountain storms heading this way. Again…I do have good luck sometimes. 👍