Suffering in Silence
There are many days since January 30th, 2014, the day my life to me turned upside down that I sit alone in solitude contemplating my future. After my wife left I was lost, there was chaos inside my whole being. Dramatic effect I have never really felt before. Lost and confused I reached out. I had to because I had no ability to defend my self against myself. Intimidating to say the least. I am a type A personality, I usually have control over most things, well…at least I think I do. When I was left after 17 years I had zero control over my emotions.
I thought I had it all. I mean nothing is perfect but I never imagined being left and not having a chance to have any closure. Never knew that on January 30th I would only have two chances to seek answers and even ask for a chance to seek outside help. I never knew it was really over on January 30th. Seems like a nightmare that does not want to go away. Initially I panicked. Many rallied around me to try to console the pain I was feeling. Indescribable but full of tears and anger.
Almost 6 months has past. I have stayed distracted. My beagle has passed away when I distracted myself with a cross-country trip on my motorcycle between May and June. Another sudden loss. On going separation issues keep the wound open, one that I am trying so hard to heal. I try at work. I try to separate the mood swings based on my personal circumstances from my professional life. Seems to be catching up to me there too. I used to feel such passion for my job…now, I feel fear.
I thought my job was my dream job. I thought there was understanding and support and there is to a point. I completely understand I need to be at 100% full capacity there but is that humanly possible? Perhaps reality is what it is..one step forward Leslie, everyday one step forward…I am aware that my stress can be projected on others. Hence, the need to isolate and stay away.
My point of this post is this. I too think I should be in a much better place by 6 months but the truth is I am not. I have some good days but the bad days are intense. I look around and there are many who still care and love me. They still want to support me but I have noticed that there is an expiration date on tolerance. Not anyone’s fault. I am intolerant of myself. “I should be feeling lighter shouldn’t I?” There are no rewards for speed? I wonder.
In order to not exhaust my support system I feel I need to give them respite from “my” “problems”. I try to smile, socialize and try to forget what it’s like to be me in my present state. Am I depressed? Probably. Am I having adjustment difficulties? Yep. Is this hard for me to admit…? Absolutely. Why am I blogging this? I hope some can relate and this blog is my journal into my life. The good the bad and the ugly. Will I regret posting this? Maybe. I know some are frustrated with me and so am I.
My nights my head and body fill right back up after a days distraction. Full with grief, confusion and pain. Insecurities I never knew I had, I mean I am a type A highly functioning professional. I find myself lost at night. Wanting so much to reach out but becoming aware this is getting “old”. I know I hear from those close to me they are always there for me but my inability to rely on myself, be independent in dealing with my own conflicts internally and externally…is indeed getting old.
Grief, suffering and mourning any loss can be a lonely place. Everyone experiences loss differently and loss comes in all different forms. There is no one correct way to heal and make it though the tough times. No book, no words of wisdom can be carbon copied to “fix” each individual. We all have to make our own way through the unknown.
When I was on the road somehow I was able to keep my head on straight and ride over 11,000 km’s on a 560 pound motorcycle. Roads less traveled which allowed me to evade reality and convince myself everything is okay.
I am not a victim of abuse or neglect. I have a good life, was better when I had a partner but I have a fortunate life. I should feel fortunate and look forward to everyday being a new challenge, a day of hope, contentment and look to the future. My diabetes is in control, I have lost weight and in the best shape I have been in years. Many have said I look my best too…now to get all those good things internalized and then I can say I am making progress.
I once had a sparkle in my eye now? I feel like everyone is looking into my eyes hoping to see that sparkle come back. I am right there with them. I want me back. I hear all the time you will make it through this and become a “better” person. I guess the old Leslie was not that good?
Am I sensitive to comments meant to be loving and kind? Yes. Does this make it sound I am ungrateful for the love and support I have received and still do? Probably. But I am NOT. I am grateful because at times like these I have become even more fearful, egocentric and selfish maybe? Everyone has lives going on, do I expect them to stop theirs because I feel like I don’t have one? Sometimes but not really. I am grateful!
Am I looking for a magic pill or do I want to have someone else solve my “problems” yes at times. At times I wish I could just sleep until enough “time” passes and I wake up and it’s all over. I thought my job was stressful and labor intensive but this is the hardest work I have ever had to do…fix myself. I do have good days…days I feel relief but it doesn’t take much to set me back. Am I unstable? 😉 I suppose it sounds that way. I am being honest and truthful. Many don’t speak about “feelings” that are not full of laughter and joy.
I look around, see a beautiful day. Warm, sun shining, kids laughing, adults drinking beer, socializing, talking about their plans for vacations, smiles, hugs and companionship. I don’t see it that way. I feel a bit alienated or should I say like an alien. Again, I can laugh and feel companionship, but there is a void. Do I have hope? Yep. Am I struggling still after 6 months of separation…YES. Do I think it will get better? Depends on what better means….in the meanwhile I can dream about my dog Cruizer, my dogs that are with me now, Xander and Sierra, my motorcycle,
If you make down to this part of post and you know me…I may deny writing it. 😉 OK, now I feel better.